So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize