So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You need Xanax blowdarts
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
