my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize