Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
