I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
