i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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