I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
