I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
