dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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