Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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