Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
