So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
That's when you crack a 10am beer
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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