I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
