She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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