Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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