I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
