My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
