Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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