Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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