currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
