apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
