Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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