I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
