I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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