Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
