She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
