last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
