There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
