go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I have aggressive nipples.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
