I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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