the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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