11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
