so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
