I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
