just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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