True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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