At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
