Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
