Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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