My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
