I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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