Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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