In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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