Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
