Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
