i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
