somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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