Everything about him screamed your future.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
