i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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