I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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