my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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