I'm so fucking centered right now
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
