What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
