How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
