that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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