I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
