I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize