a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
