I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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