The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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