a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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