Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
