I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
