You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
